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Showing posts from July, 2013

Headshots

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Very pleased with my new headshots by Natasha Merchant. She's a fantastic photographer and a lovely person generally.






Panic and Frustration

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After two months of not even a sprinkling of anxiety I had major panic attacks last week. It was even more intense and overwhelming as I was of the (clearly misguided) belief that I had conquered them. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think and I was crying so hard I thought I might pass out. The worst part was that I couldn't remotely pinpoint the cause of the anxiety. I was racking my brain, trying to breathe, meditate and calm myself and I was incredibly frustrated by the fact that I couldn't seem to battle through. Yesterday, the anxiety finally lifted only to be replaced by depression and exhaustion. I was terrified that this would last, but after about 12 hours sleep I woke up this morning back to the mood I've been in for the last two months, which has been quite positive, calm and even elated at times. However, at the beginning of this happy phase of life I couldn't shake the worry that it would soon disappear. I just had to keep reminding myself that it…

IV

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Today (well tonight) four years ago I lost my idol, my hero, a giant amongst men and the first man I ever loved; my father Julian. I've discussed him many times in this blog, in life, to my friends, to strangers, to anyone who will listen really. There should be no doubt in anyone's mind about my admiration for him. 
I am my father's daughter and with that comes his legacy. When I was a child I always worried I would never come out from under his shadow. That doesn't worry me at all anymore, it is a glorious shadow in which to find shade from the heat of life. I used to hate my feet and the lines and the dark spots under my eyes, but since he died I've come to love them, because they're his too and I can tread life in the same feet as him and look at it through his eyes. I've attached a clipping from the front page of yesterday's Bermuda Sun in which I am referred to, as always, as "Julian Hall's daughter". I am trying to make a name for …

Exposed

Today I was exposed. In the most beautiful way possible. In revealing my inner darkness it has always been my intention to help remove the stigma of mental illness; to give a voice to those who cannot or will not speak for themselves. Those who are too ashamed and scared to even reach out for help. Because sometimes we need help and there's nothing wrong with asking for it. It is the solution to inevitable destruction.

I wrote an article for the Bermuda Sun, which was the most revealing and vulnerable piece I've ever written. Even in this blog I have not plunged to the depths of truth regarding my mental state. I have always been too afraid, but I figured if I was going to have an impact, I needed to be as authentic as possible. How can I ask others to reach out for help and to admit to their own demons when I'm not prepared to do the same?

Later on this afternoon I spoke to a group about my journey and those people shared back. To have so many people relate to me and to e…

Dashing Darcy

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"Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure."
Oh, Mr. Darcy! There are few literary lovers that live up to that of Mr. Darcy. So, therefore, it's quite a feat to act the role as there's a lot of pressure on that thespian to make women's heart race, to portray cold and reserved, yet filled with emotion. I went to the Open Air Theatre in Regent's Park last night to watch a production of Pride & Prejudice. 
The genius of Jane Austen's work is that the story itself is so brilliant that it transfers well from book to play to film. So let's deal with Mr. Darcy first. I must say the actor playing Darcy managed to portray him very well and exceeded expectation. I say that because just as when I watch Romeo & Juliet (which I did a couple of weeks ago in another open air theatre, which featured my good friend Jason Eddy) I am prepared to dislike the actor who plays Romeo, because he couldn't possibly live up to my fantasy. The same …

Crescent Moon

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Life is good. Really good. Celebrations are in order as I've officially gained representation with Crescent Management. I'm very excited to join this lovely agency with lovely people. When I went in to meet them I immediately felt at home and really adored all the members. So, hopefully, I'll start getting some work and keep moving forward.
In other news, I just am elated at the moment. I'm remembering to take my meds and I've quit all my anti-anxieties and flushed them down the toilet. I realised that for nearly four years not a day went by that I wasn't completely present. I was unable to respect my feelings. No matter how I felt I wanted to change it. If I was up I'd take and drink whatever I could to make myself more up. If I was down I'd want to be in oblivion so I couldn't experience that. Now, I'm realising I'm human and that it's natural to encounter the ups and downs of everyday life and process them appropriately. Life has cha…